Be in Love Again

Happy Women Ditch the Guilt

Guilt runs silently through my veins. It used to motivate much of what I did without me realizing it! Has this ever happened to you? You might not be aware of it, because guilt can be sneaky, swift and silent. Believe me, I know firsthand. I used to run myself into the ground trying to make everyone happy. And my ego felt it was an insult if someone asked if they could help me.  Who me… need help? No, no, no I am fine. I can do it, whatever it was at the moment.

Perhaps it was fixing a dinner for twenty people by myself or painting every room in the house. I could do it all! It really was true, I could do it all, but at what cost? I often exhausted myself to the point of feeling used and unloved. Is any of this sounding familiar?

I could clean the house until it shined, fix a dinner for twenty people without a hitch, and clean up after with minimal dish washing help. Heaven forbid, in those days I did not own a dishwasher, and I wore that like a badge of honor.  Those were the “good” old days; thank goodness I have out grown them. But it wasn’t a stress free process, to go from there to here, but it sure was worth it. It took many hours of personal foundation work and personal coaching for me to understand my real worth.

I came slowly to realize that I was equating extra hard work with my ability to be a good mother, great wife and better friend. Let me say here that I am still a hard worker. It is part of my very DNA. The difference is today I work hard at what “I” truly want to work at. It is not decided by that sneaky guilt. I have finally reached a place of softness for myself. I am able to treat myself as gently as I do others. This past Christmas I was truly able to see how far I have come.

Christmas Eve is a time of celebration for my family and a wonderful meal is one of the ways we celebrate. Normally the person having the dinner does the majority of the cooking and more recently guests bring something to share. This year dinner was at my home and I was spending the previous day with my son and his family and staying overnight. This meant if I was going to spend quality time with my granddaughters who live some distance away, and truly enjoy them, I would not be at my own home until a couple of hours before guests arrived. If it was still the good old days, I would have either not stayed over or worse yet, stayed and hurried home frantically trying to fix dinner. Why? Simply because of the guilt…it is what a good mother does. Isn’t it?

This good mother did it differently this year. For the first time ever I ordered the meal from a nearby restaurant that caters. I made arrangements to pick up our meal in route home from my son’s house on Christmas Eve. We had grilled chicken that fell off the bone, deep dish lasagna, Italian bread, and I made a big tossed salad with tons of veggies. I even ordered the desserts from the restaurant. We dined on four layer carrot cake and coconut cream pie! My husband, when hearing my plans, applauded the idea and was so excited that I would care for myself in this way that he offered to pay for it. In reality it was not much more expensive that buying all the food and cooking it myself. Not to mention it was wonderfully delicious. Who knew?

This gave me breathing space and it also gave breathing space to my guests. They were told to bring NOTHING! Candles were lit on the two tables that were nestled close together, the lights were dim and a very strange thing occurred. Everyone stayed seated in conversation for a long time after eating. Why do you think this happened? My theory is that they were all feeding off of my completely relaxed state. We were experiencing a much different atmosphere than normal. For once I was not over heated, exhausted or hurried. I was able to be completely present and enjoy it as much as they did! We had a magical Christmas Eve without guilt. I even had enough energy left over to get up at 5am and go to Church with a neighbor who was singing at her Mass. She asked me to attend during dinner and I was able to say yes, knowing I would not be too tired.

Are you wondering about my wonderful husband? He kept getting thanked all night for purchasing our meal and I’m pretty sure it made him feel good to be part of our new way of living. By the way, yes, I do own a dishwasher now (although, I do often wash them by hand, when I choose to, it is simply the green in me now… not the guilt).

My wish for you this New Year is to create a life without guilt. You might have to dodge and weave a bit, but I know you can do it. If you need a little assistance to get started I have several coaching slots open and I offer a free 30-minute consultation to help you to decide if coaching is for you. I would love to hear from you! Email me here!

 

By Judith Geiger

Be in Love Again Coach

My Holiday Wishes for YOU!

Year after year I hear the same comments, “the holidays are too stressful, there is never enough time to enjoy the season”, or worse yet, “Ba-hum-bug I don’t like the holidays anymore!” What happened? I cannot help but wonder if we have lost the magic of the season? Would you like to FEEL the holidays as you once did as a child? Do you want to feel the wonder and joy? If so, come along with me and we will do our very best to find it!

My wishes for you this season:

Give from your heart and not from your wallet. Have you ever walked into a store and found the perfect gift for a friend or family member, but they were not on your gift giving list? What did you do? I bet if you bought it anyway feeling the magic of the season. I can see your smile as you remember a time like this. Money was not the point of this gift, love was. When the gift comes from deep in our heart, whether it is for someone on our gift list or not, you cannot help but FEEL the spirit of the holidays.  My wish for you this season is to only give gifts from your heart…it will warm you from the inside. (When you say, “I have no idea what to give so and so”, STOP and reflect on that person for a moment, then let your heart lead the way! Always include a gift receipt…this takes away the worry about getting it RIGHT.)

Receive all gifts with delight. We often find it easier to give than to receive. But if we all are givers, who are we giving to? Have you ever thought about that? How much joy does it give you to give a gift to someone who is open and able to receive it in the spirit it which it was given? It often doubles the joy. Now remember a time when you gave a gift and the receiver was shut down and not able to enjoy receiving it. They may have even refused it, not feeling worthy. Ouch…that hurts and spoils the moment for all. My wish for you this season is to be open and receive all gifts with delight! (It is truly a gift you give to the giver. Remember this when your first reaction is no, no I don’t need a gift. Be a graceful receiver.)

Give to those in need. One of the easiest ways to get in touch with the spirit of the holidays is to do something for those in need or buy a gift for them. For gift giving check out your local Salvation Army trees in the stores. You will find a name of a child and what they need. Purchasing this kind of gift will allow you to FEEL the holiday joy. Or if money is tight, then consider doing a kind deed such as, babysitting for a single mom so she can shop or ask an elderly neighbor what they need help with to make their holiday bright. My wish for you is to FEEL the holidays in your heart through giving to others in need. (Even if you feel you are the one in need, you can always find someone worse off than you, if you are looking through the eyes of Spirit this holiday!)

Don’t be afraid to make this a magical holiday. Do whatever it is you love to make the season bright. Or opt out of what you no longer want to do! Don’t overdo…this is very important…only do what you truly enjoy doing. And ask others for help! You don’t have to do it all alone; in fact when you enlist the help of others it makes everything more joyful (if they grump at first, keep a positive attitude, and appreciate them out loud…they will come around). Bake cookies, trim a tree, sing carols, attend church services, have a cup of coffee with an old friend and tell them how much you have missed them…there are a million things you can do to FEEL the holidays in your heart. My wish for you is to start today to feel the child like wonder of the season. (SMILE at everyone you see and I will too!)

Happy Holidays!!!! 
By Judith Geiger
Be in Love Again Coach

Alone During the Holidays

Are you feeling lonely?

Is everyone around you a couple?

It helps during times like this to realize that you are not alone. Over 50% of first marriages fail and the statistics for second marriages are even worse. If you are one of the statistics, then it may help you to know, there are times in our life when we are in Winter (so to speak).  A time when things are slower and you feel emptiness inside.

If this is you, Rejoice…YES, I said Rejoice! Because you are embarking on a new journey of discovery. Anything is possible…Really! I remember saying to a friend of mine in a very sad voice after my divorce, “I have no idea where I am going or what I will be doing in the future.”  She perked right up and said, “I know! Isn’t that WONDERFUL? You now get to create anything you desire.”

After I took in her words, I had to smile. Of course she was exactly right. I was feeling vulnerable and very sorry for myself, but with her reframe I was plucked out of the darkness and set down in my new life of adventure.  I realized it was time to be okay that I was in winter because this was the place I could learn how to care for myself. I could hibernate for a time while I charted my course for my new destination.

Sometimes slowing down and going inside is one of the greatest gifts we can give ourselves. Give yourself permission to just be in the moment and find pleasure in the simple things. If you do this, the lights on the tree will seem brighter. Having time to write a long note to an old friend in a Christmas card delights you. Even taking a stroll in the evening alone, while enjoying the Christmas lights, can feel joyful. This will begin to happen more and more as you let go of loneliness and replace it with a knowing that this is your time to be still…Winter always turns into Spring when the time is right!

Simple steps to enjoy the season:

• Don’t be stuck in how things used to be.  Start building new traditions. Things do not always have to be the way they were. When you look for new ways of doing things you will be surprised what you find.
• Do something that delights your soul. Feed your spirit in whatever way is good for you. You can go to Church, meditate, read something inspirational, or simply go for a contemplative walk in nature.
• Decorate your bedroom. Put a small tree (or any lighted decoration that delights you) where you can see it from your bed. This will assist you to leave the loneliness outside the door. I have a friend who made this her new tradition a few years ago to combat her loneliness. It was something she enjoyed so much that she does it to this day!
• Volunteer at a soup kitchen. This is one of my greatest pleasures. The people you will meet are amazing. Look for the love!
• Hug a puppy, a kitten, horse or reptile.  Whatever animal delights you!!! If you do not own one then volunteer at your local animal shelter where all the animals need love. Giving love fills us with love. Sounds like a win-win to me.
• Do a kind deed for a stranger. You will not need to look very far for someone to help. If you feel you have no funds for this, then offer your time. Read a story to a child, offer to babysit for friends who need to Christmas shop, the possibilities are endless. There is no better time of year for giving and you will be given back tenfold with the gift of love in your heart. Isn’t that what the holidays are for?

 

HAPPY HOLIDAYS TO YOU!!!!

You have the power inside of you to make them bright.

 

By Judith Geiger

Be in Love Again Coach

 

 

 

 

Thanksgiving Day Pity Party…NOT A CHANCE

Are you newly separated or divorced and not sure how you will make it through Thanksgiving Day?

I know this was me several years ago when my husband and I separated after twenty six years of marriage. Let me explain; I had always been the one to cook the huge meal for 15-20 people. It was a glorious time of family sharing, connecting with relatives you had not seen all year and wonderful food as far as the eye could see.

Then wham! It felt as if someone had turned off the lights…I was alone and in a very dark place. For the first time in my life I was to be alone for Thanksgiving Day. What a shock this was to my system. You might be wondering what happened to the 15-20 people. They were my husband’s family, so my grown children (with my encouragement) decided they would have Thanksgiving Dinner with them. After all they had done this all of their lives.

I had no family near since my mother had passed away suddenly three weeks before. I remember feeling like having an enormous pity party! Poor me…I had been the one to cook for all of these people and now they had disappeared like dust in the wind. I could have given in to my pity feelings and sat alone all day in my P.J.’s.

Not a chance! I was important too and I wanted to enjoy the day just as much as anyone else did. I had a good friend who with much prodding convinced me to have dinner with her family. Her son was coming home from college and although it was a smaller group than I was used to…it turned out to be a magical day. For the first time I was not the one running my head off getting everything done. I was the helper and could actually enjoy a bit of rest with my meal.

I bowed my head and was truly grateful for the life I had and the warm friends that surrounded me that day. After all that is what Thanksgiving is all about…giving thanks. I read somewhere if we have a roof over our head, food on the table and clothes on our back we are better off than 95% of the world. IMAGINE THAT!

This was some time ago, but I remember wearing a pretty dress to lift my spirits and I took a special dish I always made for Thanksgiving so my creativity for cooking was not squashed. The huge lesson I learned that day, which has severed me well ever since, is that we get to choose how our life changes after divorce. We can let it pull the rug out from under us or we can stand tall and create a new beginning toward a life we love.

After my current husband David and I got together, I starting having Thanksgiving Day dinner at our home. This time it was for his family and mine. But once again I am looking at a big change this year. My daughter has a new home and wants to hold the dinner at her house. (Her dad is invited and we are all are ok with that...time heals) I am on the road to discovering how to make my Thanksgiving Day wonderful within this new change. Sounds like I might get to rest a bit more and put my feet up with some pumpkin pie.

Thanksgiving change does not always involve being alone. Sometimes it is necessary to be with people you don’t care to be with. Whatever the circumstance the good news is that you get to choose how you respond… Pity Party or Stand Tall and make the best of the situation. Knowing this too shall pass. Put on your best outfit and make the best of the day. You are worth it!!!!

By Judith Geiger

Be in Love Again Coach

Make Christmas Cookies in January

I am starting a "STOP the craziness this Christmas" Campaign.

•         Are you beginning to feel overwhelmed?

•         Is your bah-humbug starting to show?

All women but most especially divorced women get into the "I can do it all syndrome." They will do such things as climb onto the slippery roof to hang the icicle lights? Why??? Because they were always hung there! Or commit to doing more than they can possibly accomplish, as they run themselves into the ground and even get sick. Remember the Christmas Eve you had to spend in bed? Not fun at all. How do I know this? I know... because I have been there.

One of my greatest pleasures at Christmas is making and giving away plies of Christmas cookies. Some people think you are gifting baked goods as a means to save money. Not true! The ingredients are very expensive, not to mention your oven bill, let alone your time. No, gifting baked goods comes straight from the heart, yet it is the number one thing I hear women complain about. They simply don't have time and not smelling the cinnamon waft throughout the house just won't do. It is a holiday must!

As a coach I start wondering what the alternatives are. How can you enjoy your holiday and not miss out on all you love to do? Radical thought ... "This year let's make Christmas cookies in January." Why not? What if you slipped a note reading.... "I owe you two dozen Christmas cookies in January" into a pretty box wrapped with your favorite red ribbon? Can you imagine how much fun it would be to bake them when you are snowed in on a long winter day? Instead of a hurried chore it would truly be a labor of love and I know firsthand how baking can go wrong when you are in a hurry. Just ask my father-in-law how he enjoyed his homemade chocolate birthday cake without any sugar. Yuck! He was polite and said actually it is not bad. I must be an amazing cook or I have an amazing father-in-law. I believe it is the latter.

I hope you join me in my "STOP the craziness this Christmas" campaign and make Christmas cookies with me in January.  I might even leave my tree up a couple of extra weeks so I can enjoy it more. I love sipping hot tea and reading my favorite book while sitting under it wrapped in a cozy comforter. Who says Christmas cookies and beautiful Christmas trees are only for one day a year? Let's make all year special and let's start by honoring ourselves and being realistic about what we can do this year.

By Judith Geiger

Be in Love Again Coach

Unexpected Gifts Fill Your Love Bank

Today when I returned home a brown package was waiting with a picture taped to the outside of the box showing me having a wonderful time in Colorado. I knew instantly who it was from but what was inside the box? We were not in habit of exchanging gifts and my curiosity was getting the best of me. I hurried into the kitchen and found a box cutter to open my treasure. Inside was a simple gift of five Ponderosa Pine cones and a candle that had printed on it “New Beginnings” with my favorite George Eliot quote, “It is never too late to be who you might have been.”  I smiled hugely as I a breathed in the candle’s fragrance of rosemary and vanilla. My smile was so big because what I was actually breathing in was the love. You see this wonderful friend knew I was working with brand new aspects of my business and wanted to support me. I was at a starting place, a new beginning.

This friend filled up my love bank. I believe each of us has an energetic love bank deep inside and every time someone does something nice for you- gives you a hug or a complement it adds to you energy love bank. The more love you can add to yours the more love you have available to give. My friend filled my love bank with this simple gift that traveled from Colorado to New York. I arranged the pine cones along with small Christmas balls around the candle on a red plate and put it proudly on my coffee table. Now, each time I walk into the room I am reminded that my love bank is being filled. I smile and breathe in the love.

This simple gift was a wonderful reminder this holiday season to fill other people’s love banks. Often we get so busy rushing from here to there barely getting time to breathe, so today I want to invite you to stop for just a few moments to think of a way that you can fill someone’s love bank right now. You might know that someone nearby needs a hug or simply some kind words. Remember even simple gestures matter.

 I will put on my creative hat today as I pay this wonderful love gesture forward. I will figure out what simple gift of love I want to send with no expectations of something in return. I feel it is important for it to be a simple gift so that the receiver does not feel obligated to do a gift exchange.

As we move more fully into the holiday season you might want to keep this in mind and be the giver of many simple gifts or gestures. Only one caveat that I would like to mention, remember as the giver of the simple gift YOUR energy love bank gets filled twice!  My holiday wish for all of you is to have your love banks over flowing. Happy Holidays!

By Judith Geiger

Be in Love Again Coach

My First Christmas Alone in 43 Years

As I woke that first Christmas on my own all I heard was a very deep silence. Waking more fully I noticed that the silence actually had a sound. It was the sound of solitude. Thinking about this I realized that if I had been on a retreat at an exotic location and woke to the sound of solitude (any of the other 364 days that year), I would have broken into a huge smile and let out a contented sigh…knowing I was at peace.  So what made today so different? It was only my own expectations. I could lie there in bed and feel sorry for my loneliness or I could get up and begin some brand new holiday traditions. I chose to do the latter.

You see, Christmas had always been a huge affair in my household and I had never awaked to an empty house in all of my 43 years. Talk about a change that shakes your world this was a big one for me. I had spent that Christmas Eve going to my Mother’s favorite church with my daughters. We did this in honor of my Mother who had passed away that Fall, just days after my separation. More than one change was brewing that year. I had no other family nearby except for my grown children who were doing a balancing act of their own being so close to both parents. Often transitions will be like that, one thing after the other will happen until your new life falls into place. I remember talking to a Life Coach once when I was saying, “My life is falling apart,” and she simply said, “Your life is falling together.” Even if it didn’t feel that way when I woke that first Christmas morning, that is exactly what was happening. I just needed the courage to open my eyes fully and see the possibilities.

Going down the stairs I was not completely alone. My Lhasa Apso, Pelé, and my German Shepherd, Sadie, were close on my heels. These two dogs were a very important part of my support system during this time.  After taking the dogs out and pouring my coffee, I sat under my Christmas tree and began to play with Sadie and Pelé.  Each of them opened their own presents by ripping the paper with their teeth as they held the gift down with their paws. I laughed and laughed as they both kept me well entertained. I had a couple of presents that I then opened from family far away and before long the feeling of solitude took on a new flair. I noticed when I accepted what was and didn’t hold on too hard to how I would have liked it to be, I actually was able to enjoy the moment.

Soon the phone began to ring and I went to my daughter’s house for dinner. It turned out to be a much better day than I had anticipated. But soon I returned home once again to the sound of solitude and again I had that same choice. Do I feel bad because I could only spend part of the day with the kids since they needed to see their dad, or do I look for possibilities? I went into the kitchen and made a huge mug of tea. There are two things that always make me feel better, one is a mug of hot tea and I bet you can guess the other. Yes, that is just what I did. I took a long hot bath. Later dressed in my favorite comfortable PJs, I turned on “It’s a Wonderful Life”. This is a long and very heartwarming movie that my family would probably have protested if I had watched it again but now it was MY choice. No protesters in sight!

Actually the entire day had been all about MY choice. Did I choose to feel lonely or find new ways to celebrate that first year when things were so very hard? I chose to find ways to celebrate. Not to say that I didn’t feel the pain or take the time to move through it. I did that and I did it often but I was not going to feel any worse than was completely necessary that First Christmas. FYI: the new tradition of the dogs opening their own gifts still stands today. Both Sadie and Pelé are now gone but our Standard Poodle, Gretchen, carries on the tradition for them. And the most amazing thing is that neither Gretchen nor the other dogs ever bothered the presents sitting under the tree. They would only start ripping open the presents on command. But after the command was given you did need to keep an eye on the rest of the gifts… after all they could not read the names on the tags and they thought all the presents were for them!  <grin>

As a coach I tell you my story to encourage you to make your own strong choices! Whatever your support system is during times of starting over, be sure that you take advantage of them. Hire a coach, see a therapist, talk with clergy or find a really good friend who has your best interest at heart. Don’t forget our four legged friends. They were a life saver for me.

By Judith Geiger

Be in Love Again Coach